Living with a chronic illness can be exhausting, isolating, and challenging. While friends and family may want to offer support, even the most well-meaning words can sometimes feel dismissive or hurtful to those dealing with health issues. If you’re trying to support someone with a chronic illness but aren’t sure what to say, here’s a guide on things to avoid and why.
1. “But you don’t look sick!”
Though it’s often intended as a compliment, this phrase can be invalidating for someone who lives with a hidden illness. Chronic illnesses like POTS, MCAS, or fibromyalgia often come with no visible symptoms, but that doesn’t make them any less real or painful. Instead, try asking how they’re feeling or if there’s anything you can do to support them.
2. “Have you tried (insert random remedy here)?”
While suggestions often come from a place of caring, someone with a chronic illness has likely tried numerous treatments, from mainstream to alternative therapies. Suggesting a new remedy can feel dismissive of the complexity and struggle they’re already facing. Rather than offering advice, ask if they’d like to share what treatments have or haven’t worked for them.
3. “It must be nice to rest all day.”
Chronic illness isn’t synonymous with resting. Often, the “rest” is forced due to debilitating symptoms like fatigue, pain, or dizziness. Even on days when they’re “resting,” it’s not likely the kind of rest you’d envision. Instead of minimizing their experience, acknowledge the resilience it takes for them to manage day-to-day.
4. “Everyone gets tired/stressed/sore.”
While true, chronic illness symptoms go far beyond everyday tiredness or aches. This statement can feel dismissive, as if comparing routine fatigue to the significant, sometimes unrelenting exhaustion many with chronic illness face. Instead, express empathy without comparisons, like, “I can’t imagine how tough that must be.”
5. “Maybe it’s all in your head.”
This is one of the most hurtful things to say. It suggests that their experience isn’t real and can cause someone to feel even more isolated and misunderstood. Many chronic illnesses don’t show up on typical tests, which can make validation from loved ones even more important.
6. “You just need to think positive!”
While positivity can be helpful, it isn’t a cure. Telling someone to “think positive” often implies that they’re not trying hard enough to feel better, which is far from the truth. Rather than suggesting they change their mindset, let them know it’s okay to feel how they feel, and remind them you’re there for them.
7. “At least it’s not (insert other illness here).”
Comparing illnesses doesn’t help anyone. Each person’s experience with chronic illness is unique, and the challenges they face are real and personal. Instead, try simply offering support without comparisons or suggesting things could be worse.
8. “If you just exercised more, you’d feel better.”
While exercise might help some people, others with chronic illnesses may find physical activity nearly impossible. Pushing someone to exercise more can feel dismissive and even trigger feelings of guilt. Instead, ask if they want company for a gentle activity they enjoy.
9. “Are you sure it’s not just anxiety?”
Anxiety can certainly accompany chronic illness, but it’s rarely the root cause. Suggesting that someone’s symptoms are “just anxiety” can feel incredibly invalidating and oversimplifies what may be a complex medical condition.
10. “There are people who have it worse.”
While the intention here may be to offer perspective, it usually backfires. Chronic illness is tough enough without feeling pressured to minimize or be grateful for the struggle. It’s okay for someone with a chronic illness to feel frustrated, sad, or overwhelmed without comparing themselves to others.
---
What to Say Instead
Instead of these well-meaning but potentially harmful phrases, try expressions of empathy and support:
- “I’m here for you no matter what.”
- “Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.”
- “Do you want to talk about it, or would you rather be distracted today?”
These phrases offer validation and remind the person that they’re not alone. Chronic illness is a challenging journey, but with understanding and compassion, we can make a real difference for those we care about.
